Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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