i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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