I could have mohawked her pubes.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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