Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think my nap took me to another dimension
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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