Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
