Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
