I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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