This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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