i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
