I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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