I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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