Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
