My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
