she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize