Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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