I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
