on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
