in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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