Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
