I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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