so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
