First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
