We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
