Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
