My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize