She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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