I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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