just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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