And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
