I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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