My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
pop tarts are not kleenex
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
