mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
