the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
