maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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