My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
i believe in u and ur pee
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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