I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
