That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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