Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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