I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
