I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
