He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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