my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
