Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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