You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My ass is underappreciated
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
