not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
