woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
