i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
