First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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