My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
