I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
