I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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