just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
