i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
