Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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