If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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