I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
