can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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