last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I cut my penus on the lid.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
