Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
