So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
