i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
