Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she peed on how many people?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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