remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
