Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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