I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize