He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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