i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize