Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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