So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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