I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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