I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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