My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
