Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
