Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
there was a trapeze. enough said
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
