Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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